Esther Perel is a licensed marriage and family therapist who has spent half her life treating patients and the other half coaching, consulting and training for organizations and lay and professional audiences. An acknowledged authority on cultural identity, cross cultural relations and ethnic and religious intermarriage, she has led private and public interventions around the world. For nearly a quarter of a century, her expertise in wartime, post-war and refugee families has been sought after by victims of conflict as well as by therapists and crisis counselors in training.

Ms. Perel has a private psychotherapy practice in New York, with multilingual clients. She is fluent in eight languages. Her clinical teaching and interests center on culture and sexuality with a focus on couples.

A frequently referenced author and popular media commentator on the Oprah Winfrey Show, The Today Show, CBC News, CNN This Morning and many other programs, Ms. Perel is the author of Mating In Captivity: Unlocking Erotic Intelligence (Harper Collins, 2006).

Esther Perel--

While the diversity in the couples I work with is infinite, one complaint rings true across all cultures: couples who describe themselves as loving, trusting and caring, complain that their sex lives have become dull and devoid of eroticism.

Why is it that great sex so often fades for couples who claim to love each other as much as ever? Can we want what we already have? Why does good intimacy not guarantee great sex? Why is the forbidden erotic? Why does the transition to parenthood deliver such an erotic blow? And when we love, what do we feel, and when we desire, how is it different?

These are some of the questions that occupied me when I set out to research the nature of erotic desire in long-term relationships. I wanted to look at the obstacles and anxieties we experience when our quest for secure love clashes with our pursuit of passion.

After traveling to 20 countries in the last 2 years ( the book has been translated into 25 languages) I kept wondering whatever happened to the generation that experienced the sexual revolution, or its beneficiaries, who have contraception in their hands, can count on premarital sex as a given. They view sexual satisfaction as central to relational happiness, they can do what they want, and have no desire to do it, or at least not at home.

It is commonly viewed that sexual problems are the result of relationship problems—namely, lack of communication. Find out about the state of the union first; see how it manifests in the bedroom second. The premise is that if sexual problems are the consequence of the relationship, fix the relationship and the sex will follow.

In my experience, I’d helped many couples improve their relationship—they felt closer, laughed together, they communicated more. But this did nothing for the bedroom. Emotional fulfillment does not necessarily translate to sexual excitement.

Sex is not a metaphor for a relationship, it’s a parallel narrative. It speaks its own language. Love and desire are two different languages. We would like to think that they flow from each other. While love and desire relate, they also conflict. Love thrives in an atmosphere of reciprocity, protection, and congruence. Desire is more selfish. In fact, at times, the very elements that nurture love: comfort, stability, safety, for example, can extinguish desire.

Love seeks closeness, but desire needs space to thrive. Here’s a question to illustrate my point.

“Tell me about a moment when you find yourself particularly drawn to your partner.” All over the world, the answers resonate with a remarkable similarity.

When I seem him play sports… When she’s unaware I’m watching her…When he is talking with friends…When she’s confidently speaking with a colleague… When she’s standing on the other side of a crowded room, and she smiles just for me…When he’s playing with the kids…When he makes me laugh, when she surprises me… When I watch him do something he is passionate about.

Whatever the answer, it is never without an element of distance. The separateness is accentuated and difference is magnified. We look across this distance and what we see is different than the view up close. We create a bridge of things unknown by making a perceptual shift, and it is on this bridge, in the space between each other, that we can meet and play with the erotic.

My work with couples is to illicit strivings, longing, and novelty— to make interesting what is sufficiently available.

So how do we begin to better ourselves in the language of sex? First of all, stop thinking you’re trying to improve “sex”—it’s a limiting definition, too enmeshed in mechanics, necessity and numbers. Think about improving your relationship with eroticism; if that’s too big a leap, think play.

The Language of Sex--A FirstLook

More Sex, Please, We're Married!

Jaci Rae is known as The Fabulously Frugal Diva and The Queen of More Green. She is the author of several books including this week's Bestseller at Amazon 5 Meals For $5.  Other books she's written: Shop For a Day With Jaci Rae, How To Get Almost Anything For Free, and Winning Points With The Woman in Your Life One Touchdown at a Time.  Jaci Rae, who was raised in poverty and knows the value of a dollar, can show you that it doesn't have to be a struggle.  Recently Jaci Rae went on a shopping spree and filled an entire truck, inside and out for under $400.  Jaci is currently working on a Ph.D.

Jaci Rae--

Sex, society and the Internet. These three explosive topics have elicited a lot of conversation and controversy. Society has always had a fascination with sex. However, over the centuries the fascination has gone from closed doors to open format.

What changed society’s willingness to discuss and view sex in an open forum? The term Sexual Revolution was first noted in 1929, when Thurber and White used the expression in their book, Is Sex Necessary? However, some historians believe the sexual revolution actually began in the 1960s. Prior to the 1960s, society, as a whole, had a very puritanical view of sex and sex was not openly discussed.

Skip a few decades to the explosion of the Internet and an entirely new kind of sexual revolution began. No longer was sex a veiled and taboo subject that could cause a scandal. Nor was sex hidden in a stack of magazines, secret drawers or a stash of DVDs on a hush-hush closet shelf. It was a wide-open arena for anyone to participate in.

The new sexual revolution focused on sexual freedom and experimentation. The Internet "superhighway" gave easy access to sexual content in a way society had never experienced before.

Chat rooms and instant messaging became the new form of "meeting" and "communicating" with other people. Mega "super stars" were sometimes unwittingly born from taped sexual escapades in "private" trysts. (Pamela Anderson, Tommy Lee, and Paris Hilton are the most notable.)

The question is has society, as a whole, become a better place now that knowledge of any kind is so easily accessible? There are pros and cons. A few of the extraordinary assets of the Internet are:

• Research can be done on a much broader scale and performed with a lot more ease.
• Information can be disseminated more rapidly.
• The exposure to various cultures and societies is much more obtainable whether or not you can travel.
• Moreover, the chance for running your own business is available to anyone.

However, the incredible downside is that our society has become:

Lazier.
• More overweight.
• More disconnected.
• Face-to-face social skills are rapidly declining.
• The moral gauge of society is becoming obscured.
• Sexual predators have gained much easier access to their prey.

In addition, cheating on a partner is a click away and a lot easier to hide. Today, meeting someone on the Internet from anywhere in the world is easy, and many justify cyber-sex as mere flirtation and do not classify it as cheating.

Because of the free-for-all, cyber-sex and cyber-affairs have run rampant. The divorce rate at 38% only a few years ago, is climbing to over 50%. *(National Center for Health Statistic based on 46 reporting states. This measurement is based on per capita.)

In addition to a higher rate of divorce, young children, pre-teens and teenagers have been given carte blanche access to the Internet. They are being exposed to sexual predators and pornography at an alarming rate as Internet addiction is reaching epidemic proportion.

The backlash from the massive exposure of the Internet Sexual Revolution, coupled with the social abandonment, has come at a great cost to humanity and the relationships we value.

While the Internet does offer a vast world of possibilities and exciting exploration of the world around us, without limitations it has become an addictive hazard that people, for the most part, unintentionally use to destroy their families and relationships. Moreover, overuse is known to cause problems physically, financially and emotionally.

The Internet is a great tool to utilize. But it's just that, a tool. However, for too many people their Internet connection has become their friend, lover and world. The utopian culture Internet addicts create for themselves is becoming a large-scale dilemma.

What is the solution to the worldwide problem? The only answer is for society to begin reconnecting to the real world and curb their enthusiasm for their computers and the technology that runs them. The Internet is not the adversary; it's the uncontrolled use of the Internet that causes problems in all areas of an addict's life.

*It should be noted that the higher rate of divorce was not blamed on the use of the Internet. Some studies cited the ease of which divorce is now available as one of the contributing factors in the rise of divorce.

When Pornography Is The Problem

A Deeper Understanding of NO-SEX Marriages

RESEARCH TRIANGLE PARK, N.C. -– Menopausal women have lower sexual desire than women who have not yet gone through menopause, according to a new study by researchers at RTI International, The University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill, and Proctor & Gamble.

The study, published in the July 14 issue of Archives of Internal Medicine, studied almost 2,000 U.S. women ages 30 to 70 who were in stable relationships.  It found that more than 50 percent of women who went through menopause naturally and almost 40 percent of women who went through menopause by having surgery to remove their ovaries had a prevalence of low sexual desire, compared with 26 percent of women who had not gone through menopause.

 Interestingly, women who went through menopause naturally exhibited the lowest distress about their lower sexual desire.

"Women who go through menopause naturally may continue to produce some hormones that are beneficial for sexual response whereas women whose ovaries are removed are not producing these reproductive hormones," said Suzanne West, Ph.D., M.P.H., a senior public health researcher at RTI and the study's lead author. "In addition, naturally menopausal women have more time to adjust physically to the hormonal changes, and may also be expecting changes in their sexual response that reduces their distress about their low sexual desire."

The researchers found that distress about low sexual desire was more than twice as prevalent among surgically menopausal women as women who have not yet gone through menopause. The distress was particularly highest among women who were younger than 45 years of age when they had their ovaries removed.

According to the authors' estimates using current census data, at least 16 million women who are 50 or older currently experience low sexual desire and about 4 million are distressed by their low desire.

The study, funded by Procter & Gamble, was conducted while West was working in the Department of Epidemiology at the University of North Carolina at Chapel Hill.

Sex, Society, And The Internet

Diabetes Takes a Toll On The Sex Lives of Women

Wendy Maltz LCSW, DST, is an internationally recognized author, psychotherapist, and certified diplomate sex therapist. Larry Maltz LCSW is the executive director of Maltz Counseling Services in Eugene, Oregon. Together they coauthored The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography (Collins, 2008).  Other books written by Wendy Maltz include The Sexual Healing Journey: A Guide for Survivors of Sexual Abuse, Private Thoughts: Exploring the Power of Women’s Sexual Fantasies, and two award-winning poetry anthologies on healthy sexual intimacy, Intimate Kisses: The Poetry of Sexual Pleasure and Passionate Hearts: The Poetry of Sexual Love. Wendy is the writer, narrator and co-producer of the video, “Relearning Touch: Healing Techniques for Couples.” An experienced media guest and conference presenter, Wendy is in private practice with Maltz Counseling Associates in Eugene, Oregon.

 

Guest Bloggers Wendy and Larry Maltz--

Porn is available anywhere, any time these days – on the Internet, cable television, cell phones, iPods, and more. Unlike just a decade ago, it’s often free and difficult to avoid. In fact, you can see more porn in a few minutes online than most people saw during their entire lifetime a generation ago. And today’s porn offers a plethora of images that cater to many tastes and temperaments, from soft-core porn to things like bondage, violent sexual acts, and child sexual abuse. It also has the power to shape sexual interests and behaviors, and create negative consequence in people’s emotional, physical, social, relationship, and spiritual lives like never before.

It’s no wonder that more and more porn users are asking themselves, “Do I have a problem with porn?” Perhaps, you are one of them, or you may know someone who is.

A quick way to examine whether porn has become (or is becoming) a problem in your life is to ask yourself these five questions:

1. Is porn hurting my sex life with a partner — or my chances of having a satisfying sex life with a partner?

There is no doubt that porn is a highly effective sexual stimulant. Watching it can turn you on and “spice things up” with a partner. But what you may not realize is that too much exposure, especially over a long period of time, can seriously harm your sexuality.

Porn can easily go from being something that can enhance a sexual experience to something that funnels sexual energy away from a partner or potential partner until IT becomes the primary object of your sexual desires. By misleading you about what is realistic and healthy (mutual pleasure, full-body sensuality, and love), porn can end up teaching you a self-centered, voyeuristic, genitally-focused approach to sex that can turn an intimate partner (or future intimate partner) off. And if you try to hide your porn use, the lying and secrecy will undermine the honesty, trust, respect, and closeness in your intimate relationship.

2. Is porn use decreasing my self-esteem and respect for others?

Porn isn’t good for you if it makes you feel bad about yourself in the long run. Ted, a twenty-six year old former porn user, told us that he became “disgusted” with him self for getting off on porn, being so attached to it, and lying to others about what he was doing. “I desired porn physically, but in my heart I knew it wasn’t what I wanted to do,” he said.

When you fantasize and act in sexual ways that go against what you value and want for yourself and for others, you end up conflicted and distressed. You may feel anxious, defensive, depressed, guilty, ashamed, and isolated. Porn use that causes you to be dishonest, deceitful, or hypocritical is obviously not good for you – the price is too high when porn costs you your integrity and healthy sense of connection with others.

3. Is using porn interfering with other parts of my life, such as doing my job well, studying for school, getting enough sleep, or spending time with my family?

While using porn may start out as “a little fantasy entertainment on the side,” many people find themselves sucked in by the game-like nature of finding new and different images that turn them on. As a result, it can eat up increasing amounts of time with detrimental consequences.

Charlie, a thirty-three year old computer specialist, recalls how time spent with porn hurt his career and relationships. “I wasted huge tracks of time on porn and fell behind in my work. I was spending three to four hours a day on something that had no benefit to me as far as becoming a better person, gaining skills, understanding the world better, or enhancing my relationships with other people.”

4. Has my porn use become addictive or compulsive?

Porn use can be highly addictive. Studies have found that regular exposure acts on your brain and body much like regular use of drugs or tobacco. Porn creates a triple feel-good cocktail — it sexually excites, provides a fantasy escape, and creates a feeling of relaxation following orgasm. You may wonder how something that you don't actually ingest can alter your brain chemistry and physiology, but just because something enters your body through your eyes and ears and not your mouth, doesn't mean it's not getting in and doing damage. Regular porn users often report that in time they find themselves needing more of it and more graphic, risky, and intense images to get the desired effect. Some porn users experience unpleasant withdrawal symptoms, such as irritability and difficulty sleeping, when deprived of porn.

Signs of a porn addiction include craving porn intensely and persistently, being unable to control your use or stop, and continuing to use it despite your encountering serious problems with it. Bonnie, a former porn addict said, “After a while, Internet porn took on a life of its own. Rather than me using it, it was controlling me. I lost the power to say no.”

5. Is porn use leading to risky, dangerous, or illegal behaviors?

It’s easy to lose perspective on what you’re doing and risking when you’re under the seductive spell of porn. A relationship with porn can become a living nightmare when it leads to the break-up of a relationship, loss of a job, rejection from your friends and family, or trouble with the law. Unfortunately, someone who is “high” on porn may not see these disasters lurking right around the corner, or they may fool themselves into thinking they’re too smart to get in trouble.

Rob, a recovering porn addict, said, “ Porn felt good in the moment, but then it just took me down. When I got busted for downloading child porn, it cost me everything I cherished — I lost my lovely wife, my two beautiful kids, a well-paying job, and a big beautiful house. Clever as I thought I was, I never saw it coming. ”

A “yes” answer to any one of the five questions above can indicate a problem with porn and the need to take action to address it.

BREAKING AWAY FROM PORN

As with other health concerns, the sooner you recognize problems and get help, the easier it is to recover. You have to acknowledge the problem, find support for making healthier choices, deal with the negative repercussions of past porn use, and learn new, healthier approaches to sexual relationships and intimacy. Our book, The Porn Trap: The Essential Guide to Overcoming Problems Caused by Pornography offers many ideas for accomplishing these goals and provides a roadmap to successful healing and long-term recovery.

The benefits of recovering from a harmful porn habit are well worth the effort. As Derek said, “Now that I’ve stopped using porn, I feel better about myself as a human being. I’m able to be more present and connected with other people. I’ve stopped sexually objectifying everyone. For the first time in my life I feel here and sexually healthy.”

What Is Healthy Sex?

Jennifer Wider graduated from Princeton University in 1994 with B.A. in the humanities. She received her medical degree from the Mount Sinai School of Medicine in 1999. During medical school, she interned at a CBS local news affiliate and 20/20 in New York City. Jennifer worked as a senior editor at Medscape/CBS HealthWatch out of medical school. She has had many publications in newspapers, magazines and websites across the country and has been a guest on CBS News, National Public Radio and various cable channels. Jennifer was formerly the managing editor of the health channel at iVillage.com and currently reports on health and medical issues for the Society for Women's Health Research. As well, she is co-author of The Savvy Woman Patient.

Jennifer Wider--

Diabetes can take a toll on a person’s overall health, but amidst all of the possible problems that may arise sexual dysfunction is not often talked about and is more common than most people realize. According to the Joslin Diabetes Center in Boston, Mass., roughly 35 percent of women with diabetes may experience some form of sexual dysfunction related to their disease. 

Most of the past research about diabetes’ impact on sex has focused on men. But it has become quite clear that women suffering from diabetes may experience sexual difficulties as a result of complications from the disease. A recent study in the journal Lancet revealed that diabetes frequently impairs normal sexual functioning in both men and women. 

According to the study’s research team from the Department of Endocrinology at the Boston University School of Medicine, “The effect of diabetes on women's sexual function is complex: the most consistent finding is a correlation between sexual dysfunction and depression.” 

In addition to the psychological effects of the disease, the study’s authors were quick to point out that more research in body physiology was needed to fully understand the toll diabetes can take on the female patient. “More research on the sexual effects of abnormal adrenal and thyroid function, hyperprolactinaemia, and metabolic syndrome should also be prioritized,” the study authors wrote. Hyperprolactinaemia is the presence of abnormally-high levels of the hormone prolactin in the blood. Unusually high amounts of prolactin are suspected to be responsible for impotence and loss of libido.

Women with diabetes who suffer from sexual dysfunction often have a wide variety of complaints.  Nerve damage from the disease can result in a decrease of sexual arousal and lowered libido. Diabetic women are also more prone to problems with decreased vaginal lubrication. In addition, some women with diabetes may suffer from recurring vaginitis, or inflammation of the vagina, as a result of yeast infections, which can make sexual intercourse painful. 

There are treatments available for sexual dysfunction, which vary based on the underlying cause. The key is to have an open, honest discussion with a health care provider who can assist patients in narrowing in on the cause and finding the proper therapy.   

Diabetes results from the body's inability to produce or respond to insulin, a hormone necessary for the absorption of sugar. There are several types of diabetes—the main ones are type 1 and type 2. Type 2 is the most common and usually affects overweight people who are older than 45 with a history of the disease in their family.

“Increases in obesity and sedentary behavior are the major drivers of the diabetes surge,” says Dr. K.M. Venkat Narayan, M.D., chief of the Diabetes Epidemiology Section at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta, Ga.

Although the number of people suffering from diabetes is at an all-time high, there are measures people can take to cut their risk. Maintaining a healthy lifestyle can lower the chance of getting diabetes for both men and women. “Exercising thirty minutes per day, five to seven times a week and keeping your weight under control with a healthy diet,” explains Narayan.