Mark Goulston , M.D. is a former UCLA professor who helps high performing leaders, senior management and sales people reach their full potential using skills he learned training FBI and police hostage negotiators. He is a member of the National Association of Corporate Directors and the Worldwide Association of Business Coaches and writes the weekly Tribune syndicated career advice column, "Solve Anything with Dr. Mark" and columns on leadership for FAST COMPANY and Directors Monthly and is an expert at People Jam. He is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox/CNN/BBC News, Oprah, and Today. Mark Goulston is the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship, Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior, Get Out of Your Own Way at Work and PTSD for Dummies. For more information visit: www.markgoulston.com.

Mark Goulston--

Words respond to words
Actions do not respond to words,
actions respond to counteractions.
An ounce of commitment backed by actions,
is worth a pound of empathy backed by nothing.

Every day we either hear about or read about someone whose marriage is in trouble. The standard reply is that they need to get into marriage counseling (which is one of the least regulated and least consistent professional practices other than most therapists/counselors sincerely wanting to help). The trick is not getting into therapy or counseling; it’s having the therapy or counseling get into the couples.

After thirty years of experience including writing, The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship: How to Fall in Love Again…and Stay There (Perigee) and in the interest of saving time (both the couples’ and mine) and saving bickering couples money I have developed a no nonsense approach to short circuit the endless and usually non-productive cycle of he said/she said, he obsessing/she obsessing that needlessly delays the inevitable. After the first meeting I tell a couple, “Either both of you come back willing to cooperate towards solutions, compromise, and take responsibility for your share of the problems through actions vs. words or else separate and deal with the fact that you are heading for divorce and only have a short amount of time before the separation turns into one.”

Marital counseling then proceeds to help cement that cooperation, compromise and taking personal responsibility into the marriage. Marital therapy too often enables dysfunction to continue all in the name of empathy and mutual understanding.

If words do not change actions, then the next and usually only approach is to offer a counteraction, what is referred to in psychology as “setting boundaries." The key is to set a boundary that is neither too much (which you will have to take back) or too little (which will be laughingly disregarded).

Bickering, blaming, excuse making and not taking responsibility for one’s behavior are not words; they are actions. The unwillingness to stop all of these is an action that should be countered by immediate separation and that taste of the beginning of the divorce process to see if each partner is willing to wake up and see what they are in store for.

Any partner who will not agree to this would rather be right than make things better and is a narcissist in the context of the marriage (they may or may not be one elsewhere).

If that is the case with either or both partners, either that one or both need to go to individual counseling (again not therapy) to learn what they need to do differently if they are to ever have a successful, lasting relationship before they return to marital counseling.

(c) 2008 Mark Goulston

A Fear of Commitment: It Sucks The Life Out of a Relationship

John Edwards Strays Outside His Marriage

The Simple Secret To Solving Any Relationship Problem

David Coleman is known nationwide as The Dating Doctor™ and “America’s Real-Life Hitch!” He has been honored eleven times as the National Speaker of the Year - 8 times by Campus Activities Magazine and 3 times by The National Association for Campus Activities. He has just won Speaker Of The Year again in 2008! He is a highly sought after speaker, entertainer, emcee, author, leadership trainer, retreat facilitator, and radio and television personality.
His most recent book, Making Relationships Matter, has entered its second printing run, and his previous works, Date Smart! and 101 Great Dates are well respected and continue to impact lives nationwide. He has been a featured speaker for the Sprint Corporation, Merrill Lynch, The Kroger Co., Federated and Flo-Tork, Inc. as well as civic organizations such as MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers), Junior Achievement, Circle K International, and Mortar Board. David received a National Service Citation from President George Bush, served as a spokesperson for Microsoft's Streets and Trips 2004 worldwide rollout campaign, was honored as a Distinguished Alumnus by BGSU, and is currently serving as a spokesperson for MSN Online Shopping.

David Coleman--

The longer the process of electing the 43rd President of the United Sates drags on, the more I realize the decision before us is not about whose policies we identify with most. Nor is it about who has more or less experience, is too young or too old to lead or who holds the greatest promise of delivering us from the economic malaise in which we find ourselves mired. Those are catchy smoke screens and media sound bites, but when we step into that voting booth on November 4, 2008, and our hand hovers over the ballot, we are actually deciding who we prefer to "marry" for the next four years. That's right, marry...who will be our new partner for the next 1,465 days?

Election Day is a commitment ceremony of sorts, for if the object of our affection wins, we have willfully entered into a "relationship" with this person. Due to our vote, we will now see him on television every day, hear him on the radio, and read about him in newspapers, magazines and on the internet. He will represent us all over the world to people we will never meet and to places we will never go. There will be no hiding from him, and barring some unforeseen circumstance whereby he is impeached or cannot finish his term, we will be committed to him with no chance of separation, divorce or annulment. We have been "courted" by these gentlemen for several years now and even for the most ardent of supporters, certain feelings are beginning to wain as enough is enough already. Are we committing to one of these candidates out of undying support and respect or out of loyalty and obligation, as we have supported them this far, we might as well carry it through...right?

In this country, we rarely remember who finished second and nowhere is that more true than in a presidential election. John Kerry was an eyelash away from being President of the United States, but following his controversial loss, he all but disappeared from our public consciousness. Al Gore, who won the Presidency, oops then lost it, then appealed and lost it again, would have fallen victim to the same fate had it not been for his whirlwind Global Warming Green Tour and Nobel Peace Prize that kept him in our thoughts. Even with all that, he is an afterthought as the Democratic Convention begins. What have you done for me lately and what can you do for me soon? I guess you don't have to do a thing, because we aren't "a couple."

If we are going to commit to a new partner for the next fours years, let's make sure we are doing it for the right reasons. There are five characteristics found in healthy, mutually beneficial relationships. They are trust, respect, intimacy, passion and commitment. Trust is the confidence to believe that a person's words and actions will be what they say they will be. Respect is mutual, equal and earned, over time, from consistent sincerity, honesty and production. Intimacy involves effective communication, heartfelt regular contact, shared faith and vision, hope and a sense of connection to the person and their mission. Passion stirs our emotions. We are attracted to the person, what they stand for and how they deliver their message. Do they walk their talk and do they do it with class? Commitment is unwavering and unconditional. None of us wants to proudly display the bumper sticker of our new partner on our car only to find ourselves trying to skim it off the bumper with a utility knife only months later.

In a healthy relationship, the "stronger" person takes care of the "weaker" person until they no longer need that type of assistance and are healthy on their own. In an unhealthy relationship, the stronger person takes advantage of the weaker person to keep them down, under control, and as needy and desperate as possible. So ask yourself these questions, "With which candidate will you have a more healthy, long-term relationship? With which candidate can you be confident about an equal exchange of the five characteristics found in healthy relationships? And with which candidate can you permanently affix their bumper sticker to your car without fear of having to remove it under the cover of darkness if they fail to meet or exceed your expectations?"

Over the next four years, the issues will come and go, as will individual successes and failures. But one thing is for certain, one of them will be with you, every day...in your home, in your car, in your head, on your screen, in your ear and even in your wallet. So, before you push that pin or touch that screen, make sure you aren't just marrying out of obligation.

How To Make A Long Distance Relationship Work

Why Love Hurts

Is He Cheating With An Internet Date?

Jaci Rae is known as The Fabulously Frugal Diva and The Queen of More Green. She is the author of several books  including this week's Bestseller at Amazon 5 Meals For $5.  Other books she's written: Shop For a Day With Jaci Rae, How To Get Almost Anything For Free, and Winning Points With The Woman in Your Life One Touchdown at a Time.  Jaci Rae, who was raised in poverty and knows the value of a dollar, can show you that it doesn't have to be a struggle.  Recently Jaci Rae went on a shopping spree and filled an entire truck, inside and out for under $400.  Jaci is currently working on a Ph.D.

Jaci Rae--

If you've made it into the stadium and you are now stepping onto the playing field for your first day of practice with the Dallas Cowboys, nervous excitement may surge through your veins as the coach talks about the various formations he is going to run the team through and begins to discuss the different play calls and strategies he will be using during this season's games.              

While much of what the coach talks about initially lies within the realm of football common sense and comes easily to you, there are a few nuances in the game plan that you will be unfamiliar with. Also, some of the plays are new to you and could cause complications and confusion in the season ahead if you don't understand them.     

A team's language will guide you in how to interact and communicate with your teammates on the playing field. This that each player must learn is full of individual components, called the "plays." For each "play, " there is a "plan." Each of these "plays" and "plans" has been specially formulated through years of research and scientific study, producing entire systems of proven techniques that can make winners out of the players and teams.               

Once the methods were proven effective, they were gathered together and worked into a playbook for each team to base its "plays" and "plans" on. It is that playbook that each teammate must learn in order to be part of the winning team. This process is much the same as that of the "plays" and "plans" of a relationship. You need to read the manual, learn from those who are already where you want to be in their relationships and listen actively to your partner in order to learn how to speak their language. Once you learn this language, you can enter the game confidently and achieve victory!          

A woman's perception of her relationship, as well as the language she uses within a relationship may seem very complicated, and sometimes confusing. You may find particular things in her language syntax that are hard to understand and certainly difficult to interpret! And as if that weren't enough, many women have a tendency to turn over and over in their heads most of what is said to them, finding more than what may actually be there.             

While men tend to go with the flow without over-analyzing things, women try to find out what's behind the words they see and hear when dealing with their loved ones. This process is intuitively part of their naturally protective circuitry, helping them emotionally guard themselves and their loved ones. Have you ever heard the statement, "You don't want to mess with Mother Bear?" This applies here because women are built as nurturers and maintain a natural curiosity about their environment, in order to help them protect themselves and those they love from perceived dangers.              

This natural curiosity triggers what I like to call the "need to know" gene. Women have the "need to know" or to discover all the "information" about their surroundings and then make judgment calls as to any dangers that may affect those they love. This of course, can lead to any number of natural responses to the perceived dangers of their surroundings and an inherent desire to analyze all causes and effects. Because curiosity (analyzing) is a natural response for women, it tends to bleed over into other areas of their lives, namely their relationships.              

In addition to analyzing most of what is said to them, women may often have hidden meaning in what they say, even if they don't intend to put it there. Men are not as complicated (in a good way) with their spoken language. What men say is most often what they mean. So, why is it that so many women seem to include hidden messages behind their words? In the same way that women tend to over-analyze things, sometimes they also include hidden meaning in their spoken words. The reasons for this can be partially found by looking at the traditional upbringing and social history of women.

Parents and other adults teach women, at a very early age, that they need to be strong, confident and know what they want. They are also told that they need to be assertive and independent in order to succeed at fulfilling their dreams and desires for their future.              

In reality, though, oftentimes the media image of a woman is much different. Society in general, sees images of successful women on television and in the movies that are more demure and non-aggressive, but still get what they need and desire.               

The woman on television or in the media, who ends up with the man of her dreams, may have played it "coy, " playing off on her seeming "need" for the man. The media image presented is often in direct conflict with the way that a woman may have been raised. Because of these two conflicting images, women have now received mixed messages and are subjected to confusing images about the way they should behave in society. On top of this, women see the men around them as being intrigued and often fascinated by the media image of a woman, an image that may not always interconnect with the ideals and values that they, as women, were brought up with.              

Because of this, women may be unsure how to present themselves and may seek to bring forward aspects of both images at the same time. As a result, they may confuse the two images, hiding their true feelings and thoughts deep within their words, all the while struggling to achieve the final goal of communicating their needs or "message" to those that participate in their lives.               

Our environment has a great deal to do with how we relate and react to each other as well as how we communicate with other people. Another huge factor in our character make-up is the individual chemistry that everyone is born with. While much has been said about how different the sexes are, how much do we actually know? The facts show that men and women are conceived equally in terms of their overall intelligence.

However, somewhere between the twelfth and fourteenth weeks of pregnancy, there is a testosterone wash that flows over the brain of a male baby. i This wash does not take place during the formation of a female baby. Let's take a look at how the brain works and try to understand why this is so important.               

Testosterone is one of the main chemicals that enable the brain to manufacture and create serotonin, which is an important neurotransmitter in the brain, causing certain nerve cells in the brain to activate and become livelier. Serotonin can also act as an inhibitor. Most neurotransmitters can act as both an exciter and an inhibitor.  Serotonin affects the brain's interior, known as the ganglia.               

The ganglia are the network of the brain, which is divided into two cells, the L cell and the R cell. Scientists believe that one of these cells makes serotonin and the other produces dopamine.             

Dopamine is "a monoamine neurotransmitter formed in the brain and is essential to the normal functioning of the central nervous system. ii" Dopamine acts as an inhibitor in the ganglia, thereby causing a calming effect and dampening activity.             

It is believed that during the testosterone wash, a balance between the L cells and the R cells are set, determining the amount of serotonin and dopamine that the brain's network will use. This also determines how spatially or temporally aware a person is, with men being born more spatially aware and women more temporally aware.  A person who is spatially aware is generally a “left-brain” individual and someone who is temporally aware, is generally a “right-brain” individual.             

The word "spatial" is defined as "relating to space. iii" As men are generally more spatially aware, they tend to be better at judging distances, which comes in handy during parallel parking! The word "temporal, " meanwhile, is defined as being "of or limited by time. iv”  This may explain why women seem to be able to associate time and events without much difficulty.              

You know what I am talking about here men, that little thing that really bothers men about women -- she remembers everything she thinks you have done wrong and when you did it! I believe this is due in part because of a woman's propensity for temporal awareness.              

Because of the testosterone wash, men tend to be more "left- brain" oriented and women rely more readily on the "right-brain."  "Left-brain" individuals tend to be more interested in facts, inclined to logic and reason. They are more motivated in providing for the home and usually more interested in becoming engineers, mathematicians and scientist. These are just a few career choices that a "left-brain" individual might make.               

A "right-brain" individual tends to be better at, and more interested in, developing relationships and dealing with emotional issues. They are more inclined to emotions and passions and are generally more motivated by investing in the relationships of the home. Their career choices tend to put them in the roles of caregivers or into jobs where they can use their artistic, investigative and research abilities.               

This is in contrast to the general tendencies of "left-brained" individual. Again, a clearer picture begins to be revealed when we look at the differences between the sexes in this light. Most men might find a leisurely reading of Popular Mechanics or Programmer's Security Desk Reference fundamentally more interesting than reading Ladies’ Home Journal or Parent Child Magazine, while women are just the opposite.

This is simply a matter of one's interest and NOT an intellectual issue, as both men and women can be motivated for various reasons to read on all the subjects mentioned. Remember that both sexes are born equally in terms of intelligence.            

My uncle gave me a funny example the other day of how men see women's thought patterns when it comes to making decisions. I thought that this insight was a great example of men conquering and women looking for sequence and order before they tackle the matter at hand.                

Here's what he had to say: "Men rule by action. Women rule by committee. For example: Man sees hill, climbs hill. Woman sees hill, forms discussion group, sets up hill climbing committee, votes for hill climbing team, schedules climb date, checks rain fall charts, does studies to locate best path, sends out scouts, and much, much, much, much later... finally climbs the hill."               

The facts stated thus far pertain only to our pre-disposition at birth. The things we experience each day, the lessons that we are taught as we move through our daily lives and the personal choices we make along the way will also be determining factors in how "left-brain" or "right-brain" we become. These factors will also directly affect our communication with and relationship to others.               

The good news is that since each of us has the freedom to make personal choices, we can learn to hear and understand each other's language when we step onto the playing field to begin practice! "Your hands made me and formed me; give me understanding to learn your commands." Psalms 119:73               

Once you step up and onto the playing field, however, you will need to hear exactly what the coach has to say during practice if you want to make it to your first game.  

Jaci Rae Copyright

Learn How To Connect Without Using A Wireless Device

What To Do AFTER An Affair

Love Is A Four Letter Word

Mark Goulston , M.D. is a former UCLA professor who helps high performing leaders, senior management and sales people reach their full potential using skills he learned training FBI and police hostage negotiators. He is a member of the National Association of Corporate Directors and the Worldwide Association of Business Coaches and writes the weekly Tribune syndicated career advice column, "Solve Anything with Dr. Mark" and columns on leadership for FAST COMPANY and Directors Monthly and is an expert at People Jam. He is frequently called upon to share his expertise with regard to contemporary business, national and world news by television, radio and print media including: Wall Street Journal, Harvard Business Review, Fortune, Newsweek, Time, Los Angeles Times, ABC/NBC/CBS/Fox/CNN/BBC News, Oprah, and Today. Mark Goulston is the author of The 6 Secrets of a Lasting Relationship, Get Out of Your Own Way: Overcoming Self-Defeating Behavior, Get Out of Your Own Way at Work and PTSD for Dummies. For more information visit: www.markgoulston.com.

Mark Goulston--

Fear of commitment is the belief
that your feelings will change for the worse
after you make that commitment,
then you will feel trapped after that happens
and then believe you will not be able to extricate yourself.

It is usually present in people that are very competent in “controlling” the external world around them and who often do so in an effort to regulate their internal sense of well being. Committing to another person means permitting their needs and wants into the mix and this is too much of a variable and too much out of the control of people who have a fear of commitment.

What’s the solution? a) Commit only to a very passive, dependent person willing to subjugate all their wants and needs to yours (but you will find it difficult to respect such a person in the long run); b) Establish ahead of time ground rules and a process for effectively talking, working your way through and completely* resolving any disagreements you may have; c) Commit yourself towards making any conflicted situation better instead of having to be right; d) Stay single.

* Completely means talking it all the way through and getting to the hurt and fear underneath the anger and frustration on the surface. If you don’t completely resolve such conflicts, it results in a cumulative negative effect that gradually sucks the life and love out of a relationship, corroding it from the inside out, until it becomes unsalvageable.

© 2006 Mark Goulston, permission to copy and distribute is granted with attribution

Maybe It's Better To  Have Never Loved, Than Loved At All

One of The Best Conversations You'll Ever Have With Your Partner

Jaci Rae is known as The Fabulously Frugal Diva and The Queen of More Green. She is the author of several books  including this week's Bestseller at Amazon 5 Meals For $5.  Other books she's written: Shop For a Day With Jaci Rae, How To Get Almost Anything For Free, and Winning Points With The Woman in Your Life One Touchdown at a Time.  Jaci Rae, who was raised in poverty and knows the value of a dollar, can show you that it doesn't have to be a struggle.  Recently Jaci Rae went on a shopping spree and filled an entire truck, inside and out for under $400.  Jaci is currently working on a Ph.D.

Jaci Rae--

Romantic getaways and heavenly destinations sound like an enchanting hideaway for any couple. However, many couples who are on the brink of extinction are often under the mistaken impression that a romantic getaway can improve their relationship and melt away their problems.

On a romantic getaway, a couple is whisking themselves away to a fantasy destination where they may believe all the troubles and problems in their world will melt away. While a romantic getaway vacation can temporarily improve a rocky relationship, it is only a bandaid for a problem that the couple must take proactive measures once they return from their romantic destination in order to avoid becoming relationship road kill.

If a couple wants to improve their relationship they will need to start working through to the heart of their problems, working on communication and trust issues. Seeking out a qualified counselor to act as a buffer and intermediary can vastly improve a couple's view of each other, and learning to reconnect by using a technique I call Soul Gazing will help put the spark back in their eyes and that dating feeling back in their hearts.

The Soul Gazing technique I am referring to is much like the game many people played as children of staring into another's eyes, without blinking or speaking. However, in this case, the object is not to make the other laugh, but to gaze into the soul of the other person. 2-3 minutes to start works best. Once the couple has that down, they need to work into 15 minutes and this technique will actually help the couple break through some of their barriers.

Couples need to understand that love is a decision that is made daily. It's not a feeling (That's all about actual chemicals that flow through our bodies when we are in the flush state of crush. It's what I call The Chemistry of Love.)

Something else couples need to remember is that love is a gift; it's not a right. Gifts are not meant to be taken lightly (except the ones that are meant to be funny of course!); a gift is something one person has given to another with great thought behind it.

A saucy vacation or romantic getaway won't release old pain and wounds that are caused by a lack of communication and broken promises; it will only provide a temporary patch that will eventually wear off, exposing a deeper and more festering wound. Take a healthy and proactive role in your relationship if you want to insure a long and healthy life with your partner. Studies have shown that a healthy and happy relationship may also lead to a much healthier and long lived life as well!

Learn How To Connect Without Using a Wireless Device

Love Is a Four-Letter Word

David Coleman is known nationwide as The Dating Doctor™ and “America’s Real-Life Hitch!” He has been honored eleven times as the National Speaker of the Year - 8 times by Campus Activities Magazine and 3 times by The National Association for Campus Activities. He has just won Speaker Of The Year again in 2008! He is a highly sought after speaker, entertainer, emcee, author, leadership trainer, retreat facilitator, and radio and television personality.
His most recent book, Making Relationships Matter, has entered its second printing run, and his previous works, Date Smart! and 101 Great Dates are well respected and continue to impact lives nationwide. He has been a featured speaker for the Sprint Corporation, Merrill Lynch, The Kroger Co., Federated and Flo-Tork, Inc. as well as civic organizations such as MOPS (Mothers of Pre-Schoolers), Junior Achievement, Circle K International, and Mortar Board. David received a National Service Citation from President George Bush, served as a spokesperson for Microsoft's Streets and Trips 2004 worldwide rollout campaign, was honored as a Distinguished Alumnus by BGSU, and is currently serving as a spokesperson for MSN Online Shopping.

David Coleman--

I will not attempt to sugar coat this--long distance relationships are difficult to successfully maintain. There are five characteristics found in healthy relationships, which are Trust, Respect, Intimacy, Passion and Commitment. When we are separated from people we love or care for (for extended periods of time), we begin to physically miss their presence. This doesn't mean that we only miss sex or have diminished feelings for them, rather it can be as simple as missing their warmth, smile, touch, facial expressions or tenderness.

Many couples separated by distance make mistakes, which harm their relationships and each other. Some of the most common are:

A. They force communication to occur every day as if to miss a day would indicate that the relationship is in jeopardy. This makes both parties feel as if they HAVE TO communicate even though they may not have a desire to or have anything new to share with one another. Plus, if one member of the couple misses a call or email at a specific time, the other may jump to the worst of conclusions: They don't care for me; they are with someone else; they were in an accident, etc. In all likelihood, this couldn't be farther from the truth. A lack of trust may develop into jealousy and become extremely harmful to the relationship. Both parties will begin to fight over insignificant issues to the point where they will be unable to identify what topic they are actually fighting about. Eventually, the relationship will begin to cause them stress and most people do their best to alleviate such stress.

B. Alternate your methods of communication. If you rely solely upon the phone, finances will become a major factor and tempers will flare when discussions focus on money versus the importance of the relationship. Write letters, send electronic mail, cards, notes, care packages, or leave brief voice mail messages when the other person is not home - whatever works best. Just letting them know that you are thinking about them even when they are not around is important and appreciated.

C. Alternate who visits whom and when. Avoid unplanned, unannounced visits. People are creatures of habit and get into daily Life Movement Patterns© (the routines by which they live their daily lives). When that pattern is disrupted, many people experience frustration (even if their loved one did the disrupting). Also, if you just "pop" in, be prepared for what you may see, hear or find. Occasionally, meet in the middle instead of causing one of you to travel a greater distance.

D. As much as possible, share the costs of staying in touch. This may mean phone bills, travel costs, postage, etc. If one person constantly pays for everything, either intentionally or inadvertently, it places that person in control of the relationship, as without them, it could not be maintained.

E. Cherish the time you do spend together, but don't plan out every moment. Allow times for spontaneity, intimacy or passion to occur. Many people spend so much time planning their next moment, that they forget to enjoy the one they are cu